Delusional

As I reflect on the past couple of years I realize that I was completely delusional about a certain aspect of my life. What's worse is that I'm currently listening to songs about relationships/break-ups and I realize that I cannot completely relate to any of these songs. For instance, Ms. Hill states in her song Ex-Factor: life is like a battle/we both end up with scars (the wording might be a bit off but you get my point). Unfortunately for me, I was the only one who ended up with scars fighting a battle apparently against no-one but myself. So I'm going to piece together my version of what I went through (although it will definitely be more ad-lib than actual lyrics from songs).

I realized that YOU never loved me
Because if YOU did, YOU wouldn't have treated me the way YOU did
I realized that YOU never loved me
Because of the way YOU love her
I realized that YOU never loved me
Because if YOU did, YOU would have fought harder for what we had
I realized that YOU never loved me
Because our relationship never went deeper than the outer exterior
I realized that YOU never loved me
Because YOU didn't care enough whether I became hurt or not in the cat and mouse game that we played for almost a year
I realized that YOU never loved me
Because YOU toyed with my heart as if it were some insignificant element
AND FINALLY......
I realized that YOU never loved me
Because even though YOU told me that YOU did (I'm sure YOU don't remember), YOU never proved it
Actions speak louder than words
And while some of your actions suggest that YOU cared deeply for me at one point, they never indicate that YOU truly loved me

So with this, I bid YOU adieu and I wish YOU well. Good luck with life.

Peace

Peaches

I feel like I'm Peaches.

I don't want to feel like that anymore.

(Readers' note- Two words: Four Women)

Peace

Feeling Stifled

I feel like I need to break out of these symbolic walls that are holding me in.

I hate having this feeling.

Never Say Never

I said I'd never go back to where I was.
I said I'd never look at his page again.
I said I'd never fall back into my negative thoughts.
I said I'd never be so naive again.

Well let's review.
I am currently on my way back to where I was (or possibly already there).
I've viewed his page at least once within the past three days.
I generally wake up with negative thoughts swirling in my mind, which profound me the entire day (almost to the point where I can't even have a functioning, productive day).
Because of my naivety, certain persons in my life are semi out of it.

Lesson that was learned today: Never say never.

No matter how hard you try to stay on the positive, the negativity seeps into you like a parasite. Only this "parasite" affects you mentally, which in turn has an effect on you physically.

Unfortunately I haven't found what could kill this "parasite".

Sidenote: Why is it that I am happier when I'm down there. The only time I'm happy up here is when I'm amongst things that I love most about the city, not necessarily the people. I wish there was a way to make me happier here. Maybe that can be the antidote to the "poison" that is seeping my life dry.

Anyways,

Peace

When They Hold You Back, Don't Listen

So, I graduated from grad school with my Master's. Yay me. I am grateful for the experience and but I feel that more needs to be done. I feel that I'm not quite done yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad it's over. This experience has been waning on me emotionally, which in turn has waned on me physically. But still this is the first time I felt like I have learned something in school. It was an overall great experience, but damn I need a break. I think that's why I have been immersed in a lot of reality television; you don't really have to think. But anyway, I want to be on a grind, find a great position for now, continue to expand my knowledge on my subject and just let go and live.

I was just watching the commercial for the new movie "Eat, Pray, and Love", and I thought to myself, wow that must be amazing to get that feeling. What's interesting is that I was reading some of my old blogs and it was fascinating to see my progression of moods. I kind of started out sounding a bit emo, then joyously happy, then back to semi-emo. I am not where I once was and I am grateful for that but I still feel like I need to grow. I realized that I jumped from one dependency to another and I never quite learned how to depend on myself. This in turn led me to where I am now..... I depended too much on Capoeira and now, I still feel a bit lost. Capoeira still changed my life for the best and I will always credit it for that. But Capoeira is like a springboard, it can get you high enough, but you need to rely on your own strengths to to make the perfect landing.

Well, now to what spawned the title, as I mentioned, I just saw the commercial for "Eat, Pray, and Love". This was one of the quotes that it had to promote the movie and I think it really applies to life in general. People are always going to try to hold you back, even when it might be unintentional. It's up to you to interpret what they say to adapt to your own life.

I'm trying to be on positive vibes from now on. No more negativity. And this means, no more negative thoughts or words about past events or persons, no more negative actions, and no more negative habits. Because, in the illustrious words of my boy the Enigma, "Hurt people, hurt people". So "In the garden of your soul, weed out rage, so as to sow peace". And I personally think, if I can start doing that, I can go back to the genuinely happy me.

So, Peace and Axe to anyone who reads this.

Sidenote: I need to get back into NYC mode, my slow Florida driving almost got me killed today.

Parti Dos

Dear YOU,

I just wanted to be your friend. Nothing more nothing less. So here is what I am going to say to YOU. I find it quite odd how I can be friends with he who lives about a ten hour car ride away from here but with YOU who lives about fifteen minutes, it's like the Cold War. Cold War in the sense that we both have something to say but we can't talk to each other (unless your a bit inebriated, then you become my "best friend"). This nonsense needs to stop right here right now. When I wanted to talk to YOU, YOU shunned me out. I understand that YOU were probably having a bad day and that's fine but knowing YOU, YOU would have hated this dreaded talk and would have tried every line in the book to get out of it. So this is parti dos. This is all I wanted to say to you that day but couldn't. I wanted us to be comfortable enough AS FRIENDS to the point where it wouldn't seem weird that we were around each other. I wanted us to be cool enough to the point where I could be me around you and not feel as if I was doing something wrong. And last but certainly not least, I HATE the way you act when your inebriated. Either YOU want to be my friend or not. YOU can't have it both ways. YOU can't act one way when your inebriated and another when your not. I say this because it seems as if the only person that gets hurt and embarrassed is me not YOU. If YOU can't accept this then fine, I will not lose any sleep over it. Just so YOU know, I won't be taking this crap anymore. I have about a year left here and I am not going to ruin it. Either we're friends or we're not. PERIOD!!!

-KW

A Letter to YOU

Dear YOU,

At first when I found out, I quickly said it would never work. Past experiences will prevail and once again YOU will be YOU. But as I thought more and more about it, shit started to make sense. Certain things that seemed doubted were now confirmed. Maybe it will work out maybe it won't. And while I wish all the best, I still can't push out my mind: why? So while I sit here trying not to think about this, my mind wanders and I realize that yeah it may seem bad, but in reality, is it so horrible? Now I get the chance to live my life and be happy in this sector of my life for once. Since I am completely satisfied in all the other facets of my life, why cannot I not find the same happiness in this part? And while I know that YOU will NEVER read this, I will tell YOU this: I am and will be far better off than I ever was. I am a good person and a good woman. And while at times my mind will wander to the good moments, ABO nunca lo bira e unico pa mi. Mi sa den mi curazon mi stima BO pero esei ta bai pasa and life will go on. Like I said I am me, and as in every other facet in my life I will prevail in this one. Mi lo hanja e unico anto pasobra mi ta kla p'e mi sa ku esaki ta bai bira tur cos ku mi kier.

Sincerely,
-KW

Drops, Steps, and Falls Oh My

So just like everyone else in the world, I have been watching the Olympics as if that is the most important thing. And there are a couple of observations that I've noticed that I have to discuss. First off I just want to say finally this redeem team is doing something...... maybe they might even go for the gold.

Second of all I find it extremely hilarious that both U.S. teams dropped the baton in the 4x100m. Aside from being the supposed best country at these Olympics both teams do something so simple yet so ridiculous as to let the baton drop and not just drop but one that is just unforgivable. With all that money that we pour into athleticism and all that pressure as to put sports on a higher echelon than education; one would think that they wouldn't make such a basic mistake. But I am so fed up with the U.S. team that I will delve into that subject a little later. One thing though. I was rooting for my girl Lolo Jones. I mean she had the gold literally around her neck and with one misstep it was all over. And to be on the second to last hurdle made it even worse. If it was one of the hurdles in the beginning then there either would have been two outcomes depending. One would be that she would mess up so bad that there was no way that she would be able to finish the race and the other would be that she would at least have time to adjust to actually win a medal. Now the fact that she hit the second to last hurdle really hurt her chance at winning the gold because there would have been no way for her to possibly even try to bounce back from that.

I feel her pain.

Now on to the reason as to why I am starting to really dislike the Americans. I realized that the whole entire Olympics is politics. Watching it on NBC of course they are slanted towards the U.S...... that was a given. But to the point where another country wins and instead of interviewing the athlete from that country they go to the athlete from the U.S. who lost big time and ask them for their thoughts. Honestly I couldn't care less what their thoughts are; I want to know how the WINNER was able to pull off such a feat and what were he/she's tactics. Now the main reason why I'm ready to have complete disrespect for them is the whole 200m business. I will go on record to say that Churandy Martina did step on the line but still TWO hours after the race and after medals were handed out you want to call that just because one of your runners stepped out first? This is a true conspiracy. I think there should be some type of bylaw that states that after medals are given out there can be no challenges. For those that don't know: in the 200m final Wallace Spearman was instantly disqualified because he stepped on the line. After two hours the U.S. decides to protest to say that Churandy Martina stepped on the line too and that he should be disqualified. Now I am not saying that they shouldn't have disqualified him but at the same time is it really that serious that you are willing to sacrifice your dignity just so you can destroy someone else's dream? That is a really low blow. By the way this catapulted Shawn Crawford into the silver and Walter Dix to bronze as if they did something significant. And then they want to go after Usain Bolt on and say that he should be more respectful to the other runners. Oh please oh please!!!!!!!!! There is a reason why they call him lightening bolt. It's because the man can shatter records without even trying. He has every right to be cocky. No one can touch him. I bet you if Michael Phelps was like that they would have nothing but good thoughts for him. And it's not like the U.S. needed more medals. As of this post the U.S. has a 103 medals total to China's 92. Why not let us have one. It's all about showing hoe much more powerful we are and how we can beat communist China. Well at least China is killing them in gold medals which I am rooting that they actually murder them in that.

Sidenote: For some reason or the other I feel that I am starting to fall back into my old self and I am hating it. I'm not sure whether it has to do with people coming back or other reasons but as I mentioned before I AM NEVER GOING BACK to where I was. I'm guessing that since it was the summer and nothing much was really going on, I had a lot of time to find who I am and what I want to become. Now I am not fully there yet but I am on my way to becoming a healthier, happier person and I guess that now will be the true test to see if I can overcome the madness that is starting to creep back into my life like a malignancy.

Peace, Axe

I Love my Mestre

I realize that I turned into a girl. Now I'm not talking about how I reverted from a woman to a girl but how I became a girly-girl: afraid to do anything. At class today Mestre was making us do all these different flips such macaco and au sem mao to name a few and I felt like I couldn't even do the easier ones. And what made matters worse Mestre was letting a 9-year old show us how to do moves. It was bad enough that I felt completely scared of doing these moves, now some child is making me look like idiot. And you could definitely see that Mestre almost wanted us to feel like so much like dunce that it would make us try harder. But for me I started to revert back to my old days where I would instantly ball up and go into my zone and just feel like I can't do anything. And by the end of the night I was just feeling so pissed off at myself because I NEVER NEVER NEVER want to go back where I was.

Mestre said something to me afterwards that made me realize something. He said the most simple thing to me that is relevant right now. He said "Yoo gotch to believe in yoself my friend, I believee in yoo" (my best attempt at a Brazilian accent). Basically to me this was the first time someone in that position has shown deep sincerity in my success. Even though Mestre is not a coach...... to me I felt that I never had a coach who actually cared about me like that and it was the most beautiful thing. When I was leaving all I could was hug him as close as possible and when he told me he loved me I said it back with the most sincerity. Now being down here without my parents makes it hard because you don't have a little cheering section to tell you that you can do it. But to know that my teacher genuinely cares for me is something that I can never forget. I truly honestly appreciate it.

Sidenote: I will leave you with the words of Bob Marley "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery none but ourselves can free our minds" (Redemption Song). I feel in his own way Mestre was telling us this exact same quote. And I think this applies to all different situations today. We are the only ones holding ourselves back from greatness. (Damn I should write for Hallmark, lmao)

Anyways,
Peace, Axe

Addiction

I think it's funny when I say I have an addiction. When most people think of an addiction; it's mostly negative. But for me it's a positive vibe. My addictions right now are Capoeira, the Olympics, and Lucky Charms.

With Capoeira as I said before I'm there everyday and I plan my life around it. It's so serious, the other day my father thought that I belonged to a cult. But for me, it not only gets my body healthy but also my mind.

Damn damn damn these Olympics. Every time I want to say that I'm going to sleep early, I end up eating a bowl of Lucky Charms and watch the Olympics till five or six in the morning. And it's usually things that I usually don't have interest in like rowing and archery. And not only am I watching it, but I'm watching it like it's the best sport in the world. I also commentate like I know what I'm talking about.

It's too much but at the same time I'm glad I'm addicted to something like this instead of something serious such as drugs or alcohol.


Sidenote: I'm going back to school in two weeks and it's going to be hard to fit that into my normal rhythm.

Capoeira Meu Coração

I think I'm starting to fall in love. For the first time in my life I'm starting to feel truly happy. Even with all the bullshit that surrounds me sometimes I'm still just learning to let go and love life. And that is who I am starting to fall in love with; my life. And there is only one thing to credit that and that is capoeira.

I had always envied those people who had something like basketball or music and that was what kept them sane. I mean I LOVED and still love basketball and music and they do keep me sane but it wasn't enough. I still felt like I was searching for something. And now I think I found it.

So message of the day: Find something that helps take away the bullshit; it doesn't necessarily have to be capoeira but something that makes your mind and body healthy.

Sidenote: Doing capoeira does take toll on my body......... I need a massage.

Peace or Muito Axe

The Dopeness

I know it's been a minute since I wrote a blog but I really had no inspiration for a minute. Well anyway I've been in New York for the past two weeks and I realized that I really miss this city. Due to certain events I couldn't really go out much but the few times that I went out was like pure heaven. I swear if I had the money I definitely would have been living here as soon as I graduated.

Anywho one of the things that I did was go see the movie "The Wackness" directed by Jonathan Levine. I saw it at the Angelika Film Center with the MTA riding beneath the theater. This definitely did not fit what the title proposed. It was pure 'dopeness'. Now I'm not going to spoil the movie for people who want to see it but seriously though the movie did everything that it was supposed to do. It is set in the Guiliani era when everything in New York was changing. Good hip hop still prevails and this new dope rapper called The Notorious B.I.G. is killing in music. The cinematography was ill and the best part about it was the music. Am I dork for knowing almost every song in the movie? I'd like to think not. I look at it as knowing good hip hop. Anyway the movie took me back to when music gave you a feeling that I can't even describe; but know that it is a good feeling.

Well I'll be back in Orlando on Tuesday.

Sidenote: While riding on the E listening to A Tribe Called Quest I noticed how rich people just past bums like they don't even exist. Interesting

Peace

Invisible Man

I guess some people believe that they can be invisible and no one would notice what goes on around them. Recent events in the past months have proven otherwise. Just because you do things discreetly doesn't mean that people won't speculate. This is true especially when it comes to relationships. Whether your just friends with the person or not, if you start spending an extra amount of time with someone, people will automatically think that there is something going on. Now I'm not saying that you shouldn't have privacy but still don't act surprised or upset when people start to comment and joke on certain things. This is the nature of man: to find a weakness and go for it.

Sidenote: Going to New York for a week for a much needed vacation.

Negative Thoughts

Ever since I started substitute teaching my life hasn't changed much but I am learning new things every day that give me new perspectives on life. A couple of days I subbed at a place where a teacher had a quote up to inspire her students. I believe that we all live by this.... it's just whether they are negative or positive.

It was: Thoughts become words. Words become become actions. Actions become habits. Habits become morals. Morals become life.

Up until then I realized that most of my thoughts have been negative for a long time. In my mind I felt that if I thought the worst then when the worst came I would be prepared and nothing would surprise me. Now I see that I was wrong. Through my negative thoughts I sometimes said negative words and then they became negative actions. And before I knew it, I started having negative habits. Before I got to the morals I stated to myself that I would start thinking positive so all these things can be positive.

Sidenote: Orlando is an interesting place.... this is the only place that I've seen a crackhead with a shopping cart that smells like baby powder.

Importante

I realize how important family is to me. My family has been here for me for the past couple of weeks that I would have never imagine them to be. And I am truly greatful for each and every one of them. This also includes my closest friends. I don't have to name them but they know who they are and I appreciate them to the fullest.

Sidenote:Changes in life are always for the better and I can't wait for these changes to take into effect.

Final Thought of the Weekend

So the final four was this weekend and I have to say it was one of the best experiences of my life. My friend who played on the Stanford team was able to get me tickets. Just being down there helped me change my perspective on a lot of issues. Generally in my life I have not been truly happy for years. I'm not depressed or anything but I just felt like there was something missing in my life. It's funny in high school I had a love/hate relationship with sports. I loved basketball and liked track but hated the fact that the people who were supposed to be guiding me in these sports did not support me. In fact instead of helping me to excel in basketball they hinted that I should quit and just pursue track and field. Mind you, I'm not delusional, I do know that I was better in track but my heart was just not in it. I loved it when it came to competition time i loved it, mainly during the 4x100 relay which is a team race. That is what I loved about basketball; it was a team effort. If you failed the team failed. If you succeeded the team succeeded. And that was a great feeling. You needed everyone on the team from the starting point guard to the bench warmer. And this is exactly what I saw this weekend. To see my friend and Stanford play just brought back all these memories of how I should have been doing this too. I'm not envious of my friend or anybody else that participated in the Final Four. Matter fact I'm extremely proud that some girls that I grew up with are role models to younger girls who want to be like them and not the video vixen in some rapper's video.

Anywho being there made me realize that I should try to follow the path that I chose for myself because that was what I was meant to do.

Sidenote: Candace Parker is the truth and all but damn her boyfriend is a little hard on the eyes. Oh well as long as he makes her happy...... I guess GO STANFORD, WE'LL GET THEM NEXT YEAR!!!!!!

Dominoes is a New Yawkah?

Why does Dominoes feel that in order to promote their Brooklyn Style pizza they need a woman with a fake New York accent?

Sidenote: Stanford-Maryland tonight!!!

Untitled (How Does It Feel)

Let us start this blog with comments that I received a couple times that has me wondering. Just now I was reading the lyrics to "Changes" from Tupac to try to see if I can incorporate it into today's blog. I realized that the 'Changes' that he talks about are completely different from what my supposed changes are. What he is talking about is changes for black people as a whole to become better for the future. It sent me wondering whether I had really changed and if so have I done so for the better. These past few years I have changed a lot and I do credit it to being in college. So it's funny to hear people say that I have changed in recent months because I have been changing for the past three years. I am clearly not the same girl from high school (as a lot of people can attest to). And I'm clearly not the same girl that walked into college as a freshman. So this goes around to the same question again. Have I changed for the better? I know certain events may have changed how I behave in certain aspects but still isn't change supposed to be good. I hope in my case it is. If not, I will change as I forever do.

How does it really feel? I got a registration email from my grad school a couple of days ago and it freaked me out. I think this is the first time it has really sunk in that grad school is no joke. I went through high school with ease; graduated with good grades without trying too hard. College was the same way. I didn't BS my whole academic experience but it wasn't hard. Graduated from there with good grades. Now it's time for grad school and they made it seem like it was a lot of pressure which I don't know if I'm ready for it. First off I'm paying for it basically by myself so hopefully I get a job soon. And usually I don't take the religious route but lately I have been relying heavily on my dwindling faith. Like they say in Papiamentu "Cos ta hodido". Then for my classes they don't accept a grade lower than a 2.75 which is a B- in their book. The past three semesters I haven't made lower than a B but still grad school is different; there's a lot more work to it. Finally I'm going to have to find a research that no one has done, make a good case out of it and probably present it somewhere. After all of this I feel completely lost with no hope of being a success. Hopefully that feeling goes away soon or least I get back on track.

How does it feel? So I think that it is extremely interesting that this little kid Stephen Curry has carried Davidson all the way to Elite Eight making them a Cinderella team. This kid has his whole career ahead of him and I think it's great that he's already proved that he can play with the big boys. Too bad Davidson didn't make it to the Final Four, but hey there's always next year. And since he'll be there for the next two years I would have no doubt that Davidson might be in it again. Well I guess I'll root for North Carolina now. GO TAR HEELS?

How does it feel? I wonder how it felt to see.................

Sidenote: My sister saw Barack Obama speak today at her college and it changed her life. I'm so happy for her. Damn I wish I could have seen him speak. My homegirl made it to the Elite Eight. GO STANFORD.... ALL THE WAY!!!.... I think that it's great to see people that you played against in high school play in a tournament that makes them almost celebrities. And to think I've known them since high school. Good times Good times. LOL

Peace

A Different World (Not Really)

First things first I found out what was sending my sensor light haywire. It was a cat. At first I was seriously considering torturing it for making me go crazy but then I realized it just needs a place to live too.

As far as March Madness goes, Georgia is already out, so I'm just randomly watching the games that I can. On the other hand Stanford is still going strong and I'm rooting for my girl all the way!

I GOT IN! I GOT IN! A couple of days ago I found that I got into grad school and I was overwhelmingly exciting. Now that the excitement has died down, I'm a little nervous about going. I mean grad school is a big responsibility and I don't know if I'll be able to handle, I'll guess we'll see when the time comes. And besides that the whole purpose of me moving down here early was so I can get myself settled. Maybe with that experience I'll be able to be ready to take this new challenge.

Sidenote: Happy Easter everybody!!

March Madness...... In More Ways Than One

So the beginning of March marked March Madness which for all you NCAA basketball fans that means bets, pools, and all out college hoops craziness. On the men's side I don't really have a favorite. I saw two of Illinois' games and I was sort of going for them but since they lost to Minnesota (I think, I can't remember right now), I guess I can't go for them. Oh well...... I guess since I went to high school with someone on the Georgia team and that team is the closest to where I live right now I guess I'll go for them. Go Bulldogs? On the Women's spectrum, there is no doubt that I'm going for Stanford. Not only are they a good team but one of my best friends plays on that team. So even if they didn't have a prayer of winning I still would go for them. That's my girl for life. GO CARDINALS!!!!!!!!!! Anyway since I have no cable and my TV currently doesn't work, I wonder how I'm going to watch any of these games.

On another note disgraced governor Eliot Spitzer stepped down following a scandalous affair involving prostitution rings. I didn't really know much about the New York governor but I knew he was one of the few politicians that did something positive for New York so I give him credit for that. But in any light, this gave way for a new governor to come in which meant that New york just sworn in it's first black governor, governor David Paterson. And not only that he's blind! Who would have thought that a blind black man would be governor of New York. This will definitely be interesting to see considering the current bids for the presidential elections.

I also think that it's funny that immediately after he's sworn in he says that he's had extramarital affairs. According to the New York Times he did this so there wouldn't be any more interferences. In any event I want this man to succeed so like the rest of nonsense that has nothing to do with politics I'm going to dismiss this and focus on what he does for New York.

On the last bit of personal March Madness my BFF came over yesterday and I think it was the best thing for me. I forgot how being best friends with a guy helps you in so many ways when it comes to relationships. He gave me some good advice which I will definitely try to adhere too. And considering this whirlwind craziness that I recently experienced, I think that we had a great talk. And the best part of having him as a BFF is that he doesn't dictate to me what I should do. He just lets me know how guys think and what he thinks is best for me which is great. Because combined with his advice and what I already was thinking this is definitely going to be an interesting week that I'm going to have.

I finally saw the entire "City of Men" movie, and once again I think that it is one of the best movies I have ever seen. Not only is the cinematography ridiculously great but the actors are also so realistic it's makes the movie even better. I guess it helps that they came from favelas themselves so they know about real life out there in the hoods of Rio de Janeiro. I saw the premiere at Lincoln Center in December but I came late so I didn't get a chance to see the whole thing. But going with my BFF yesterday it couldn't have been any better. PLEASE GO SEE THIS MOVIE if it's playing in your area. Well I don't want to give away anything for you City of God/ Men fans so I'll leave it at that. But seriously go see it.

Sidenote: I just read that a guy sued a stripper and the club for a lap dance. What is the world coming to that a girl can't even lap dance without getting sued. Haha

Anyways, Peace